An utterly gorgeous, considerably younger Swiss private banker I met when I was doing a chocolate tasting at Fortnum’s whom my friends and I nicknamed “the bonking banker”. The other non-online affairs I had, were, I admit, absolutely that. Ultimately, the physical allure just wasn’t there between us, and it turned out he had also been dating his divorce lawyer on the side! We had some enjoyable dates at the V&A and Albert Hall.
He was a former chef with the most wonderful kitchen, who ran his own company. We met for dinner and although he was a good 10 years older, he was lovely, kind and generous and we saw each other for several months. It did happen once through a friend of a friend. Like many of us, I would have far rather not relied on online dating, yet despite my work being very social and having a huge circle of good and supportive friends, none of them ever had suitable friends to introduce me to. And it resulted in many periods of loneliness and disillusionment. In fact, my list was daunting and, as I ultimately found out, untenable. High on my checklist was a settled job my prospective man found satisfying, along with a decent income (my husband had worked in wine and education but had struggled to progress). Perhaps that was why I had a penchant for men who had studied PPE at Oxford? That specification narrowed the field considerably, if not ridiculously. Someone kind, patient, and not averse to standing their ground in an argument mattered too. A huge priority was a love of good food as I am a food and travel writer and restaurant critic. Keeping on top of current affairs was important too. Right up top was a love of cultural pursuits.
My list of desirable criteria was pretty exhaustive, though I suspect not too different from many other midlifers looking for another chance of love. Even though we shared an enormous number of interests – even now, we tend to find we read the same novels – our relationship had run its course. Our split, though initiated by me, was more or less amicable. I can see now it was rather shallow, snobby and pretentious as well as unrealistic, but as I said to myself, “I have standards and I am willing to wait it out for the right one.” After all, I had been married for 20 years and with my former husband even longer. Romantically, we had met Interrailing at a youth hostel in Vienna where we bonded over a barbecue (he’s massively into food) while we were still at university – me in York, and he in London – in those days long, long before the internet. Was I sabotaging my own attempts to date, setting my sights too high, perhaps even semi-deliberately setting myself up for failure, by having too strict criteria for the kind of man I wanted to date? I’m sure I’m not the only one who sallied forth into the cruel world of online dating with an ambitious wish list of the attributes and lifestyle I wanted my new paramour to have.
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